Friday Fictioneers: The Funeral

Posted: July 27, 2012 in Friday Fictioneers
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Lucy missed LA and the beach.  Everyone would be there today.  She glared at the old jug, turned the spigot, and drew a cupful.  The water winked back Georgia sunshine.  She sipped, looked around.  There was her mother beneath a tree, the air beside her shimmering in the heat.  Another sip.  A vague form appeared.  A third.  Lucy saw tiny blue Sunday-dress flowers and silver hair braided and piled high.  She drained the cup and watched Gramma move through knots of kith and kin. 

“Refills!” someone called over new ice and cold drinks.

Lucy drew another cupful from the jug.

***

Hope you enjoyed my 100-word story.  I love comments and critique.   See the photo prompt, read more great stories, or add one of your own at “Friday Fictioneers” on Madison Woods’ website.

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Comments
  1. Sandra says:

    Really good feel of summer here – I enjoyed this.

  2. Jan Morrill says:

    Beautiful, Keli. I especially liked “The water winked back Georgia sunshine” and “She drained the cup and watched Gramma move through knots of kith and kin.”

    –Jan
    http://janmorrill.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/fictioneers-flashfriday-gone-dry/

  3. Hi Keli,
    Very nicely wrought piece of writing. I felt like I was there. Vivid description. A great word portrait.
    Ron

  4. Carrie says:

    Nicely done. I enjoyed the setting and the obvious discontent of the MC.

    • keliwright says:

      She came off pretty discontented, didn’t she? It pleases me that you felt that. I don’t know how clear her change was in this brief version, but she’s pretty cranky at the start. Thanks!

  5. Janet says:

    Vivid descriptions. I liked the voice of the protagonist. Feels like an annoyed teenager – I can almost see her eyes rolling.

    • keliwright says:

      Ah, yes. The eye roll. Glad that came through. I intended her to be slightly older, but I think you hit the age right. Your comment actually adjusted the way I saw the original (expanded) story. Thanks for your observation!

  6. elmowrites says:

    You create a great image here. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on, but I can picture the scene well from your description.
    I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/friday-fictioneers-fix-it/

    • keliwright says:

      Thanks for sharing your confusion. This was a condensed form of a longer story. When I first posted, I thought it was fine, but I was reading it with the longer story in my head. When I revisited it a little later, I realized it wasn’t as clear as it could have been. Especially in super-short fiction, sometimes we have to sacrifice description to get the story told. Something I need to work on. Thanks again for your comments.

      • elmowrites says:

        You’re welcome. I agree that sometimes we have to sacrifice description for the sake of story. On the other hand, sometimes it’s good to sacrifice story for the sake of description, especially with an excerpt like this one!

  7. billgncs says:

    nice, wondering why she had to move…

  8. I think I’d keep drinking the magic water too! So what I see, but it seems from the comments that it isn’t what anyone else is seeing… I thought each sip of water enabled her to see more of her deceased and missed relatives. And while everyone else ran for the ordinary cold drinks, she preferred to keep visiting the ones she most enjoyed visiting…. the ones who aren’t visible to the others.

    So that could just be my own overactive imagination, but I liked it 😉

  9. rochellewisoff says:

    So the vision of Gramma was a ghost? Good job of telling the girl’s irritation at having to be there.
    http://www.rochelle-wisoff.blogspot.com/2012/07/snarl.html

    • keliwright says:

      You raise an interesting question. Where do visions end and ghosts begin? Or is it vice versa? Regardless, thanks for your comment. I’m glad her bad attitude came through.

  10. Had no idea grandma was a ghost. I just thought she was behaving like a brat because she had to be with grownups and not with her own friends.

  11. vbholmes says:

    I, too, liked “The water winked back Georgia sunshine”, wonderful word picture.

  12. Brian Benoit says:

    It was well done, the way the family appears in glimpses, sort of the way the sun does in the winking reflection (which was a nice way of letting us know why she’s not in LA anymore). I feel a shift in perspective as she sips and watches too, realizing why she’s there.

    Brian (http://pinionpost.com/2012/07/27/sugartooth/)

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